The appointed hour arrives at the Dave Lang Memorial Convention Center. A man, no, a pretender takes the stage. The imposter, “Cinco Miller” dares to stand where Nina stood. The crowd cheers, clearly they have forgotten the previous year’s events. The Deceiver, “Cinco”, spouts some meaningless jargon at the undeserving masses. He speaks of “synergy”, treading directly on Nina’s toes.
Then, a miracle.
Nina returns to subdue the Imposter. With a mighty twist, “Cinco” is dispatched and left strewn on the stage of Dave Lang Memorial Theatre. A Mocap Minion, the ever-faithful companion, comes at a wave of Nina’s mighty hand to take the sullied corpse to be processed.
Nina, our returning angel, proceeds to give the audience the verbal drubbing they deserve. Misplaced concerns about the authenticity of last year’s display are cast aside with a righteous contempt. Still, despite our transgressions, Nina has promised this year’s Devolver Digital Big Fancy Press Conference will be better than ever before. We, the stinking bug-fuck shitminions, will be marketed to. And we will be grateful.
Garbage, I mean a game, is shown. It is unimportant.
Nina is not yet done bestowing her gifts upon or moronic, miserable lives. LOOTBOXCOIN. Nina has brought together two dangerous trends into one magnificent blessing. Is it secure? OF COURSE IT’S FUCKING SECURE. NO ONE knows any concrete details about Lootboxcoin or its value. Is it regulated? WHAT ARE YOU, INSANE? THIS IS AMERICA! HELL NO. Are there any risks? YOU UNGRATEFUL SLUDGEGOBLIN. There aren’t any risks for Nina, and that’s all that matters! How do I receive this gift, you ask? YOU GIVE DEVOLVER YOUR MONEY, CRETIN!
*ahem*
Another game is announced, this one-
An infidel has dared to disagree with Nina’s pronunciation! His liar’s maw, stuffed with banana, spews forth the vile assertion that gif is pronounced “jif”. Nina brings forth a righteous flame and he is dealt with.
The game is shown as the slack-jawed ingrates in the audience sit in a stunned silence.
Nina brings the room back to its senses and begins to sing the song of corporate benevolence. Tiny consoles packed with retro games sold for a premium are all the rage. Nina initially expresses disbelief with this trend before proclaiming that she and Devolver Digital have seen fit to appease our uncultured demands. Ever-faithful Margaret, the rock upon which Devolver Digital stands, wheels in a covered cart.
Beneath this new sacred shroud lay not a one-way portal to Devolver Digital’s back accounts, but the Devolver Digital Entertainment System Classic. Jeffrey, Nina’s own flesh and blood, is the fortunate young man chosen to demonstrate to us the majesty of the 25 classic Devolver Digital games. But Jeffrey spits upon this gift. Jeffrey dares to imply that the Devolver Digital Entertainment System Classic is nothing more than a painted Sega Dreamcast! Blasphemy! Jeffrey proceeds to hold some wires he claims are not plugged in, as though we are naïve enough to believe hardware made by Devolver Digital could run on mere electricity like some kind of common toaster oven.
Margaret deals with the non-believer.
Nina bestows upon our unworthy ears one more announcement, Metal Wolf Chaos XD remastered for Playstation 4, Xbox One, and PC. An announcement truly worthy for closing this prestigious event.
But then, tragedy strikes. A stranger yells for Nina as she attempts to walk off stage. It’s the man from last year’s Big Fancy Press Conference. The man that lost his arm to the Devolver Digital Screen Pay. Driven to the brink by vengeance, he fires a salvo into Nina. Nina falls.
But Margaret, ever-faithful Margaret, promises to fix her. To give Nina back to us. Nina will return…
